I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
