I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
