I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
