4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
