end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
