Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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