I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
please come you make the beer taste better
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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