Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
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