booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
