Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I enjoy the company of your penis
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
