Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize