is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
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Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
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No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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