I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
