You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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