I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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