Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
