Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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