Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize