what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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