He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
