im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
