tell your sister to shave her snatch
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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