He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
