Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
