There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Floor bacon is actually really good
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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