come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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