Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
