You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
