oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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