Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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