I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
