my phone needs a breathalizer
My balls are so social today.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
