Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
