woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
