Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
