If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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