she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize