The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Randomize
