I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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