he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I still have a little drunk in my system
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
