I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I want to have your abortion
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
