I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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