my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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