I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
