okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
