sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize