then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
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