i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
