i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
