Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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