Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
