It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
