Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
