i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
