You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
how does that bad decision feel?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
