omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
it's like heaven, but drunker
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Come on in and take your pants off
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