I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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