I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
