I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Randomize
