Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
